A few months ago I went on a date with someone other than Steven for the first time in 3 years. Well okay, it wasn’t really a date, more like a, “hey how are you? Let’s get drinks and chat!” type of deal. Whatever the case is, I was sitting across from a man I didn’t know, I was attracted to, was attracted to me who wasn’t the father of my child. I stumbled and fumbled, gulping my wine like it was Gatorade trying to remember how to flirt and charm someone. I had spent the last three years trying to deflect a man’s gaze off of me to keep the 250lb bag of bones I loved from flying into a rage over an innocent misunderstanding of marital status! But now I was free to smile, wink, flirt and throw my head back in the candle light.
I spent half of the night feeling a thrill of cheating and the rest of the night feeling the guilt of cheating. It wasn’t until I hugged my date good night and stepped into my car, and took on look in the mirror that I realized, “Fool! You’re not cheating!” Well, I’ve done a lot better since then! I no longer feel like I need to duck and cover, wear dark clothes or don’t hold hands in the in the light! I’m sure, in fact I know it’s a lot easier for men to shed the guilt of a break up. Usually when they are done, they are done and they don’t like to or feel they need to continue to respect their past relationships. They certainly don’t feel guilt about moving on too quickly. Well that old guilt of cheating on Steven has turned into a weird guilt of taking myself away from Jax. Like I’m cheating on him with my time. So silly I know! How can you cheat on your son? How can you cheat on him with your time when you give him pretty much all of your time? I don’t have to plan out my time with him because he’s always with me! LOL!
So why do we as women? Is it because we have the children? Because we create and make the homes? Is it because it’s just not the way it should be done in western society? I feel like I felt guilty just because of the way a society looks at a single mother dating. I mean my ex moved on faster than I could pack up my belongings and his friends were rooting him on. Me? If I get one more text about how I need to concentrate on my son and me now, dating will always be there, I just might scream!
I mean listen, I’m not saying I’m ready to get back into a relationship or get married. I’d like to get married and have more children. Preferably sooner, rather than later, but Jax and I are still adjusting to not being apart of trio. But, I do enjoy having adult, fun, flirty, attention and conversation every now and again. And someone looking at me and telling me I’m beautiful who isn’t telling Foofa she’s beautiful in the same breath, is pretty nice too. And I don’t see how there’s anything wrong with that? I’m not bringing some guy around my kid and in his space. I’m dividing my time with my son with my time with a dude. I’m not neglecting my son. I’m just liking a boy! I’m liking a boy in a very normal innocent fashion! Come on guys, seriously! I’m a mom, but I’m still young. My kid is healthy and happy and gets all my attention while he’s awake and even sleeping.
And of course I’ll type up this whole blog and some of you may read and comment and encourage me to go out and not feel guilty. Someone will tell me, it’s healthy to continue to go out with friends and dates and enjoy myself! And I will take it all in, and listen and heed to their advice and then as soon as pull those shoes out of the box and pull out my mascara, Jax will look up at me and…. GUILT!!! HERE HE COMES TO WRECK THE DAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! For some things I truly believe it just might be easier to be a man!