Tomorrow morning is the big day. Tomorrow I will have surgery number 2 out of 3 where I will become the new proud owner of a ileopouch, more commonly known on the street as a J-Pouch. Basically I gets a new colon as a belated birthday present. I’m that much closer to becoming a whole healthy person again. There could actually be a whole month in my future where I will be pain free…yes kids, pain free! Amazing right? Tell me about it. I’m incredibly excited! It’s like I’ve gotten a brand new fresh start at life! There isn’t anything to hold me back now.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. I’ve already started getting the involuntary shakes throughout the day thinking about what is to come. Scared of going under that long. Scared of the possibilities of what could go wrong. I’m scared of my recovery going wrong and having to get the pouch reversed. Fear. It certainly lives in me right now. I think once you have children and you actually have someone who needs you to live and be healthy, your mortality becomes very real. Suddenly, doing the silly things you did while single seem pointless. Even texting while driving is a no-no. Just because there could be that one time, that one slip up that will keep you from seeing your child graduate. Keep you from each kiss good night. I want every kiss goodnight. So there is that thought, what if I don’t make it?
So God if you’re reading this and you hear my prayers tonight, I wanna make it. I want to be kissing my kid goodnight when he comes home to visit with his own family. Okay? I thank you for everything you have done to get me here, Lord. Now let me repay you by being the best mommy I can be to my Hippo.
Wow! My son will actually have a mom that can chase after him. A mommy who can take him to the park all by herself! I’ll actually become the mom I imagined myself being when I was pregnant. All of the plans and dreams I had for us will be fulfilled. No time to look back at this minor set back. Actually I should look back on it. Look back and count the blessing of being sick. The blessing of being this sick and finding the strength to get up, live life everyday and raise an amazing kid. I had a lot of personal success while sick. I never knew how strong I really was, what I was really made of…until it counted. I know now! There is a fire in me that cannot by extinguished by anything or anyone. I will always win! All I do is win!
