I woke up this morning and the first thing that ran through my mind was that very first moment I met Jax’s eyes! Those sweet sweet soft curious gray eyes looked at me and my life was never the same. At that moment I realized that I had been living my whole life to lead up to that moment! I had been waiting my whole life to be a mother! He had been waiting for me to be ready and though I spent my whole pregnancy doubting if I was really ready to be everything he needed, I knew at that very moment that I was ready!
This morning Jax put on his doctor costume, his Brobee backpack, his green iPod, and jumped on his bike ready to tackle the day. The first song to play on my iPhone was Good Life by OneRepublic. This single mommy had a major revelation. There has been a lot of craziness and heartbreak in the past year, but this life, this life right here with the costumes, yo gabba gabba, tantrums, countless hugs & kisses, dancey dance filled evenings, and I love you’s said with a lisp is a freakin’ GOOD LIFE!
Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’ t jump out
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now
We are god of stories but please tell me
What there is to complain about
That moment Jaxon came into this world, I had all kinds of plans. I had a partner, love, a home and now a family of my own and this is how it would remain until my death. Now I have love and I still have my family…just back on the journey for that life partner. That moment he said he couldn’t do it anymore and we were no longer home, I truly thought I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t know what was good, what was up or down, what was bad and what was real. I had lost myself so much and poured my soul into my family and household and a future that just wasn’t meant for me. Life was awful! It’s taken some time and lot of soul searching to realize that there really isn’t anything to complain about. Sometimes shit just happens and you just have to roll with it! Everything happens for a reason and count those blessings as they are! I look back on those first few months of this transition and wonder why so much sadness? There wasn’t failure really. I look at those gray eyes turned brown now and I can’t help but be happy like a crazy fool! I remember thinking, my family was so beautiful! But I realize my family is still so beautiful, Jaxon will just have more people in his family to love him when Steven and I find those true life partners.
My son wakes up every morning with a smile on his face grinning through his pacifier and he lets out a “good morning, mama!” through it. Every morning! And it’s been that way since he first learned how to smile! What is there to complain about? This could really be a good good life! My ex changed his first diaper, followed him into the nursery and spent two years taking Saturday mornings so I could sleep in after being on morning duty call everyday during the week. No he isn’t here anymore every saturday, but he’s still here! this is just a new way of life. What is there to complain about? This is good good life.
When you’re happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in
Neither one of us planned to fall out of love. Neither one of us planned to not be spending a 50th wedding anniversary together. Okay, well things happen. So where do we go now? What do I do now? I live! I woke up this morning and realized that through all the bullshit, there is still an ounce of joy! I am hanging onto that and letting that guide me. I spent so many months wondering where I went wrong and how to fix me! Wondering how it happened and when it happened! Feeling hopeless and confused. Not realizing that I was missing all the blessings passing me by. I look back on the last few years and only see the blessings and only see the happiness.
I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
I’m taking a mental picture of you now
The hope is we have so much to feel good about
I look at those brown eyes looking up at me and I realize that where I am now is just as amazing as where I was October 21, 2009 at 6:05 pm. Those brown eyes are waiting for me to show him how great this life is GONNA be! It’s time to take that deep deep breath, reflect, grab his chubby little hand and race toward hope! Grab you’re Brobee backpack kid, it’s time to set off on our new adventure! Together we’ll show each other just how AMAZING this life is gonna really be!