This past year has been a dumpster fire. I don’t think there is any other way of describing it. It was a hot mess with a tiny reprieve from absolute mayhem and destruction. I started the year off with a severe case of cellulitis that stemmed from repercussions of step therapy, and from there, it was just a snowball that ended in the death of my beloved Aunt.
Needless to say, my mental health suffered immensely. There were moments it was painful to get out of bed. There were moments I had to really sit and weigh out the ramifications of removing myself from the humankind. I was tired. I was working hard but couldn’t see the benefits of my hard work. I was unhealthy, overweight, swollen, lonely, financially stressed to capacity, and sad. I was just always sad…even when I was happy, somehow, I was miserable. It was very reminiscent of the end of 2011 when I saw my household and my health blow up in my face, losing the reigns on both. In 2019, I had no control over my life because I couldn’t find a way to change or control the trajectory of my circumstances. And toward the end of 2019, it all came weighing down on me. All of my failures and misgivings. Misfortune & mishaps. Love and loss. I had taken all that was negative and centered myself in the cyclone of tribulation and convinced myself I had spent an entire decade this way. Reducing myself to an unqualified loser in life. I lost my compass of faith and was ready to give up.
Then I started my social media yearly wrapped up and saw a template for marking down mishaps and achievements per year in the decade. I took out a notepad and started to jot it all down. The exceptional, disastrous, heartbreaking, and fortunate. Every relationship gained and lost. Every professional gain, every setback. Every health hurdle. Every adventure and every mistake. What I found astonished me. I realized that I am human. I am a human being with just as many wins and losses as any other human. But in the end, I’ve had more successes. I also realized that although the losses feel profound, the wins were monumental.
Within a decade, I created a human, created a brand, created change, created resources, created relationships, and created a second chance at life for myself. Yes, some years, there was a pain. There were financial strifes and frustrations. Yes, I am exhausted and living a life I never would have imagined for myself. But I am also…living a life I never could have imagined for myself. I looked down at my lists and had to make a pledge to myself. No more self-doubt. No more giving up. No more despair. Like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes and was reborn. There is nothing that can prevent me from believing in myself or the process of having to go through the darkness to reach the light.
I made a list of goals and resolutions. I don’t know if I will complete them, but I’m choosing to focus on the light, the opportunities, and the blessings, so I can remain open. I plan to give myself no chance to give up or weigh myself down with negativity. I’m too much of a badass. We have to take that time to recognize who we are and carry that belief and optimism on the days we are the most exhausted, stretched thin, and hopeless. Hold on to the truth of who you are to get you through. So practice that self-care, choose hope, set boundaries, and forgive yourself. Most importantly, focus on your wins and enjoy your life. Let’s see what the next decade will bring.
