The Stitches of Anxiety

Stitches. Stitches come because a wound is opened. In this case by a scalpel. Stitches.

All I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of weeks is the word, surgery. Not me this time, although I kind of wish it were me this time instead of him. By him, I mean my hippo. My little guy has to go in for surgery. Surgery on his eyes. For a routine outpatient procedure that will help fix his strabismus and take away the headaches and irritation it’s causing. I suppose they use words like, routine and outpatient to make the parent feel better. But at the end of the day, I know what you’re doing in there, you’re cutting into my child! Yea none of that sounds okay!

This has literally been consuming my dreams, both day and night. I worry. I mean, I’m a mother, I worry all the time just because. But now I really worry. I worry about the surgery. I worry about the recovery. I worry about his reaction to the surgery. I worry about my reaction to the surgery. I worry about it flaring up his asthma because of anxiety. But really who’s more anxious me or him. Definitely me! Thank God I don’t have colitis anymore, or at least have a milder case of IBD. I’ve only been to the bathroom a few times a day, not technically all day. I know, I’m stressing myself out, but I can’t help it. The first night we put him to bed in his room, he cried for about 15-20 minutes. The whole time we were downstairs, it took everything in me not to go up there and save him from…from…his room! It took a lot of wine to keep me from throwing up. His dad was all sitting there calm and collected and I was losing it. All because he was crying. And when he cries I go to him. But we had decided he needed to start sleeping in his room and that would cause him to cry a little. But what his father didn’t understand is that when Hippo hurts, mommy’s tummy hurts. It’s like I get instant flare ups whenever something happens to him or he thinks something happens to him. Remember when he broke his arm? Yea, yea that was nuts! And now they expect me to hand over my baby and let them operate on him without having some sort of breakdown??