Today was the first time in about five months that my son spent time with both of his parents since our break up last September. There have been uphill war battles, flat land war battles, air dropped bombed war battles, nuclear war battles and few days of peace in between. Needless to say it hasn’t been the easiest of transitions for all three of us. Wednesday, my ex came into town to come and spend a few days with Jaxon after not being able to see one another for four months. Seeing the way the looked at one another Wednesday night when said Ex walked through the door melted me into a puddle of goo. Through it all, one thing has always been constant, their bond has been unbreakable. The distant has changed it for sure, but that is to be expected of course.
My nerves and guard were completely up of course because it wasn’t too long ago that Steven and I had one of our emphasis blow ups. It amazes me how we can butt heads like we do in some a ferocious way and then be okay. It’s always been this way. Arguments turn into blow ups and then we go back to normal. It’s not healthy, it’s not fun and I can’t figure out how to stop. And since we’ve broken up, it’s only gotten uglier. The problem is that we never made an effort to create a good communication flow that we were both comfortable with. We left a lot unsaid for the sake of peace or we just ignored a lot. Now it seems every little thing that irked us about the other is coming out. But it’s actually just three major things on both sides, and it seems like no matter what the other seems to do to fix the issue, the other person refuses to see it. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve seen improvement in certain areas that bothered me, but when he pushes my buttons I will ignore it and hit below the belt. He does the same thing. So you see why I was nervous?
Now all was not bad. Actually most of our relationship was great. We were like Cliff & Clair Huxtable. Lucy & Ricky. Sinclair & Overton. Bonnie & Clyde. Milli & Vanilli! We started off dating, but as a romance bloomed so did this passionate, truthful, free, trusting friendship that was the base of our relationship. It started that way because to be honest, Steven and I are a lot alike. It was very hard for me to admit at first because I didn’t really see it. I actually saw him as my polar opposite. He is calm, where I am fiery. He is structured where I am artistic & creative. He is conservative where I am free loving. He is easy-going where I need a plan. I over-communicate, he doesn’t communicate at all. But the things we loved and are passionate about, are aligned like the stars. And the way we love, the way we guard from love. Our stubbornness has kept us toe to toe. Our love for our family and loyalty to our friends bridged us closer together. Our passion for politics, music, cars,art, God, community and laughter harmonized us. Then there was/is our love for food and all that is delicious! I would cook and cook and he would eat and eat. He was the easiest person to talk to, and became the only person I could talk to that understood me and vice versa. We learned each other through words and sometimes it was as if we could read each other’s thoughts. We fell into a quick sync, joined at the hip without even realizing it and finishing each other’s sentences. Creating characters like “Rich Eccentric Steve”, “Retired Steve” & “Retired Brooke”, “Eccentric Producer Brooke” and other classics. We entertained ourselves and each other with the silliest things. We had created our own world and people loved to come in and visit. How did we fall apart? Colitis and mood swings/responsibility/misunderstanding of the disease and all that goes with it, miscommunication and too many distractions. Also, we both got lazy and just stopped trying. It happens to a lot of people. Sad, but true… but I digress! That’s a whole ‘nutha post on why we need to step our relationship game up when after we decide to have families!!
Today seemed like one of those days. For a day we were tag teaming parents, laughing old friends, caring old friends…in fact I think “Rich Eccentric Steve” paid a visit this afternoon after lunch. My son was at his happiest and Steven and I, well, we were in sync. Not one argument or disagreement. Not one dirty look or nasty word. No disrespect. No distractions. No discomfort. It was like any other day for the three of us. It was amazing, almost extraordinary if you consider the last few months. I mean dare I say that I enjoyed today? Dare I say that I enjoyed the company of my ex? Yes, I do and did. It was actually nice to have my old friend back. To not have uncomfortable forced conversations. To just be able to say something to him and not have to think and over think my words. To be at ease with what seemed to be an old friend. To see my son so happy and comfortable was a great feeling. To see Steven relaxed and back to who he use to be with me was good. It was nothing less than just another ordinary, extraordinary, awesome day!
Do I think we can be best friends again, I don’t know. Wounds have just started to scab over and emotions still run high. Would I like to be friends? To be honest yes. I miss my friendship with Steven on most days. I do miss our family dynamic, but that will always be, just in a different way. As far as me and Steven separate from being parents, I do miss him as a person. He’s a great person at heart and he is someone who I enjoyed having in my circle because he brought great things to the table. I hope that today was a jump off of whats to come. I hope that we can grow from this point, this day and start anew. Start listening more than yelling. Stop being so defensive. Stop pushing and pulling. Stop hurting one another…for no reason. We can co-exist as parents and as people. Brooke & Steve, the buddies came out today. It gave me hope that all is not lost. That there is no hate residing deep in his heart or even in mine. It gave me hope that we can co-parent and allow our son to feel secure and loved by both of his parents. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe we don’t have to live with this guard up against each other. That maybe, just maybe our love has grown and moved into a different kind of space, but that the love is there.
I think it’s going to take some time. Like I said, scabs just formed. But I have a feeling things will be brighter, lighter and easier for the three of us. We have to just take the time to work at it. Cultivate it and want it! If not for ourselves than for our son. All hope is not lost! Today was truly an awesome day, and the kids are gonna be alright! From the bottom of my heart, thank you, God! Thank you!