Okay, well maybe I haven’t found the love yet. I have a feeling that is coming for me. But the past few months have been spent with me clocking in countless hours talking to the Big Guy about everything, looking for answers, finding answers and discovering peace with certain things. Life was thrown into perspective in a couple pretty violent and drastic ways, but it’s brought me a sense of clarity and focus unlike I’ve ever felt before. Not to say that I’ve developed a Monk sensibility and walk about in a constant state of Zen, but I have a better understanding of myself, life, love and my purpose. I never knew my own strength. I never gave myself enough credit. I never enjoyed the things and people around me enough. I didn’t enjoy. I was too busy being sick. And before I was sick, I was too busy trying to make it and work my ass off to prove something to other people. I didn’t do anything for me or because I wanted to. I did for others. Helped others. Believed in others. Proved to others. Not a very good way to live.
I feel like I’ve been reborn. Given a second chance. Time to learn a new life. I’m ready to learn my new normal. It’s taking sometime, some adjusting. Overall, I think life is gonna be beautiful. So I pray. I don’t just pray for things. I pray in thanks. I pray for others and not that they get what they ask, but whatever it is that we need. Everything that we need is not always what we want or even know we wanted. I certainly didn’t want this surgery or this bag, but it’s one of the best things that has happened to me. I didn’t have to travel to India or Bali or even seek out some old catholic cathedral here in the states to reinvent my relationship with God. We just started up a conversation. But this time, I knew what I wanted to say to Him. And it isn’t always a sense of gratitude, I lay down my troubles and grievances with him too. I mean He made me, who else can I really turn to? Faith is interesting. There is no real happiness without it. There is no love without happiness. There is no life without love. So I guess it always comes back to Faith…and God. It always comes back to God.
As far as Eat is concerned…I’ve been doing just that! I believe Caesar, The Conqueror of All (my stomach), has risen from the dead and is ready to take his place at the throne again! LOL! The doctors said something about needing to gain 15 lbs before next surgery and it is has been my pleasure to fulfill that request. For the first time in about 2/3 years I am actually hungry. It’s an amazing feeling! To approach the door of a restaurant and not stress about where the bathroom is, what I can and cannot eat, how much I will be able to eat, not get nauseous at the thought of eating feels like a dead weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I taught myself how to force myself to eat and forced enjoyment…now it comes naturally. It’s a whole new world, a whole new me! Yesterday I went to celebrate a girlfriend’s birthday at Boiling Crab. It was like a rediscovering a beautiful gem. The aroma was new, as if I had smelled it for the first time. The taste was brand new and fulfilling. It felt like a rebirth. I was actually giddy and excited about food again. I hadn’t eaten this much since I was pregnant three years ago! It brought me to silent joyful tears after I was done. I was alive and living to live. I had spent so many years with this disease cramming things in, forcing smiles through pain, trying to record each and every second like it was my last not necessarily enjoying it like I deserved to, just trying to get through each minute of pain. I was living like I was dying. I now find myself living for life. Enjoying each second as a blessing and looking forward to the next believing that it will come for me and it will be more beautiful than the moment before!
I’ve prayed. I’ve eaten. Now, I’m open for love!