I spent 27 years living in a world of carefree, joyous Christmas cheer. I went from having kid Christmas fun, to childless adult Christmas fun to baby’s first & second christmas. And although we did stay up on his second Christmas putting a car together… there wasn’t much pressure because it could be finished in the morning. But the third Christmas… the third Christmas brought good ‘Ol Jolly St. Nick into our lives. I never realized before just how much trouble that guy is for parents! I mean seriously? What good is he? You work hard, spend hours online looking for great toy deals and STILL end up running to toy store at the last minute. And trust me there ain’t a whole lot of Christmas cheer in those parking lots! Then you get it home and you’re trying to find new and clever places to stash these presents. And most of them come without batteries and need assembly! During the day it’s all fun to decorate, go ice skating, bake cookies & gingerbread houses…but then comes the night. That’s when plastic cuts, arthritis from screwing in screws, complicated directions take over your world! Then comes Christmas Eve when it’s time to be greedy and consume ALL the cookies and milk, put together the big items you couldn’t hide and hope nobody gets up, and catches you while you they make a trip to the bathroom. I heard tales of fathers putting together bikes in Santa suits to keep up the illusion… yeeeaaaa about that…that just ain’t gonna happen!
Okay so Christmas morning comes and you’re all excited cause their excited. You get to the living room with the tree and the presents and you hear, “Look what Santa brought!!” They skip over the presents with the tags signed from you and give Santa all the praises. And as you ice your blistered fingers and burp up that fifth sugar cookie as your eyes burn from only 2 hours of sleep, you silently curse the jolly fat guy for stealing your thunder. I mean I can’t be the only one that feels this. I never thought I’d say this, but I hate Santa! That guy buys not one single toy or battery, doesn’t offer his services to put together and he surely doesn’t deliver them! He demands sugary treats and never shows up to consume them! Not to mention the fact that he listens to your kid’s toy wishes and promises they’ll get them all without consulting your bank account! Santa is really, public enemy number 1 to all parents! Of course when your child get to that age when they find out or figure out that Santa doesn’t exist anymore they look at you like, “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?” Wow…I don’t know, kid. I just don’t know!
So here I am staring at an envelope addressed to Santa Claus at The North Pole wondering what to do with it. Because if my kid finds out I didn’t mail this off, he then re-demand that I email him or text him immediately so he can get his “Pwesents”. Text or Email, Santa? Really? He’ll probably ask Siri to help him find Santa’s house. I’m a bit surprised he hasn’t asked to Facetime Santa…eh, it’s probably coming. Where was the “Santa” chapter in the baby book? I couldn’t have used that more than how to deal with cradle cap. Cradle cap was easy. A little calendula lotion and gentle scratch of the scalp. But Santa…this is a whole new level of anxiety! Thanks a lot, Santa! Thanks a lot!